The Best Fruit Cake Recipe Ever (Drivel):

1 cup Butter
1 cup Sugar
4 large Eggs
1 cup Dried Fruit
1 teaspoon Baking Powder
1 teaspoon Baking Soda
1 tablespoon Lemon Juice
1 cup Brown Sugar
1 cup Nuts
1 or 2 quarts Aged Whiskey

Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, isn't it?

Now go ahead, select a large mixing bowl, measuring cups, etc. Check the whiskey again, as it must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.

With an eclectic mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile, at this parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixey hasn't gone bad while you weren't lookin'. Open second quart if nestessary.

Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver. Example the whikstey again, shecking confistancy. Then shift 2 cups of salt or destergent or whatever.

Chample the whitchey shum more. Shift in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add 100 babbelspoons of brown booger or whushever's closhest and mix well.

Greash ubben and turn the cakey pan to 350 degrees. Now pour the whole mesh into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle.

Check dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.